Confessions of a Soda Pop Salesman

Confessions of a Soda Pop Salesman

by Art Miller

So, one of the first jobs in my career was beverage salesman for a soft drink company.  This is a great position if you’re selling Coca-cola or Pepsi Cola.  You just go into a super market or convenience store and ask ‘how many cases do you want this week?’

But not so good if you’re trying to sell Moxie Soda, which I was.  ‘Trying to’ is the operative phrase here.  I was trying but nobody was buying.

Here’s what happened to me at the Main Street Market in Chatterboro, Massachusetts, on my last call of my very first day on the job.

I entered the store and announced, “Hello.  I’m Art Miller your new Moxie salesman.  How many cases can I get you this week?”

“Hello Mr. Art Miller. I’m very happy to see you.  You can get me zero. But I’ll get you two full cases.  That’s how many your last salesman talked me into four months ago and I haven’t sold a single bottle!  Take it back, get out, and don’t come back!”

After all the earlier calls I made, and counting the two return cases, my sales for the day were ‘negative two’.  Following  a solid week of similar rejection, I submitted my resignation to the boss - telling him that

“ Moxie soda has caused the figurative ‘death of a salesman’: yours truly, Arthur Miller.”

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In fairness there actually is a small but dedicated group of people who really do buy Moxie soda, they’re mostly located in New England but the parent company has six bottling locations in the U.S. from Worcester, Massachusetts to Washington State.  

At one time, during the early 1900s, Moxie was a big seller nationwide,  even out-vending the behemoth, Coca Cola.  Flash forward a hundred years; the Moxie market today is confined to a few pockets here and there; mostly in New England where two or three bottles sit on supermarket shelves next to row after row of Pepsi and Coke.

So what does this horrible Moxie stuff taste like?

Here are some random opinions harvested from the internet.

Mr. Shatter: “It tastes like soda – run through the crank case of a car. Rank!”

Amazon Reviewer D. Bradshaw, “This is worst-tasting soda I've ever had. I can't see how anyone could like it, but I guess there is something out there for everyone. I imagine it's what tar tastes like.”

Amazon Reviewer, Cliff:  “It's not bad, but that is all I can say. The smell is of toothpaste or vicks, and the taste at first is spicy with a little sweetness. The aftertaste is the rough part, I am finishing the drink but doubt I'd get again on my own, wouldn't refuse if given. It is definitely different, and I am glad that something like this is still around.

Here’s an excerpt from ‘Weird Soda Review’.  The reviewer bought the soda in Los Angeles:

 “Color: dark brown, just a hint of purple.
Scent: sweet cola, but with a strong herbal note. Maybe licorice? Smells a bit like Dandelion and Burdock soda.

Taste: Whoa. WHOA. What the heck? Is that cough syrup?

OK, here goes. The initial taste is quite sweet, vaguely cola-ish, but sweeter. Right behind that is a secondary sweet taste, with a strong chalky component, and a bit of mint. That part is odd--it reminds me vaguely of the tooth-polishing compound you get at the dentist, or quick-dissolve allergy medicine.

But then it hits you. Right behind that--no more than a second behind--a bitter herbal taste surges up. It's not strong, the sweet is stronger, but it's quite distinct.”

In conclusion, if you happen to be wandering through a store in your town and you spy a bottle of Moxie tucked away in a corner, hiding behind a thousand units of Coke and Pepsi; you may be tempted to try it.

Don’t.

If you do, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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