Real Sea Monster For Sale on EBAY!

Get the Chips Ready, here's the fish!

This "Sea Monster" allegedly from the depths of the great North Atlantic Ocean reportedly washed ashore near St. Pete Beach in Sunny FLA.

The atrocity has made the rounds of The National Enquirer, The Weekly World News, and other tabloids including the New York Post, and the Boston Herald.

It has been on display in a traveling 'freak show' but the owner has listed it on EBAY for a starting bid of 1000 Aussie Bucks or 750 American Clams.  


Is it real?  Is it a hoax?  Is it perhaps a real hoax?  According to the auction listing, the winning bidder will be given all the facts surrounding the mysterious, ugly "Sea Monster".  

Enquiring minds want to know!  But not enough to part with 750 clams to find out!

If you are unfamiliar with tabloid journalism....here's a great example.  This is from a 1983 edition of the New York Post.  It's their most famous headline...............

That's it for now.  Don't "Have a nice day" - Make it a nice day!

-0-

I Don't Know Where This Story is Going, But This is Where it Starts.....

by Bill Russo



The old man knew hunger like few people ever have. 

In the late afternoon before he left his shack, he looked at his breakfast plate, still sitting atop a rickety three legged table.

Scraping the crumbs off the dish with a rusty pocket knife, he ate them for lunch - three specks of egg and a few motes of bread washed down with river water.

There would be no supper for the reluctant hermit who lived in the lonely, crumbling hovel at the edge of the forest.

***

The eight lines above this one are not the end of a story but the beginning.  As I finished breakfast one morning I found myself staring at the few crumbs that were left on the plate.  I realized that the remains of my food are more than some people eat in a whole day.  

An image of a starving old man began to take shape in my mind.  I saw him staring at a plate.  It contained the remnants of a meager meal he had eaten many hours before.  There was no more food in his hovel, so he pushed away a few flies and scraped the scanty little scraps into a pile and ate them.

Was that his last meal?  Did he leave the house to steal? Did he go out to beg or borrow or perhaps to die? I don't know yet for I do not know where this story is going - but this is where it starts.  

Stay tuned for more.......

Ghostly Thoughts While Walking on a Cape Cod Beach

Thoughts from a beach walk

in early October along mile-long

West Dennis Beach, Cape Cod

I searched for ghosts in Nantucket Sound
Where hundreds of sailors have drowned.
Upon the breakers their ships were tossed,
the men of sea knew that they were lost....

I walked upon the soft and salty Cape Cod sand
And thought of the many ships built on this land
that sailed every earthly sea and ocean,
manned by crews who sailed with devotion

To their lonely and demanding craft
despite the many dangers fore and aft,
they battled hurricanes, torment and strife
to bring to the land-lovers, a better life.

Copyright by Bill Russo

Cape Cod - 2017

The Weird Story of the First Halloween Jack O' Lantern

The tradition of cutting faces into pumpkins did originate in America, probably around Boston or New York.  But the first carving was actually in Ireland and it was a large turnip, not a pumpkin that was hollowed out, had a face cut into it, and was supplied with a candle to give it a scary glow.

According to the legend a mean, disorderly fellow, named Jack who lived in a shack in Dublin, loved to play tricks on unsuspecting people.  His foul antics affected everyone from his own family to the town’s upper class.

He took great delight in tripping old ladies, suspending wires across pathways to injure human and horse alike, and tying a thread around a gold piece that he tossed on the ground and then snatching it away from a person who spotted it and went to pick it up. 

Though a rogue and a no-good, mean Jack was very skilled in the art of doing bad things and always managed to escape harm from his foul tricks, even when he pulled one on the Devil himself!

By means of his extraordinary cunning he managed to convince Satan to climb up a full grown apple tree.  When the Lord of Hell was halfway up, nimble Jack tacked crosses all around the trunk of the tree.

“I can’t get down,” moaned the Devil. “I’ll suffer eternally if I even so much as brush across one of those terrible crosses. Take them away Jack,” begged old Satan.

“I might remove those crosses for you if you are in a bargaining mood.”

“Name your price you scallywag.”  

Jack smiled and thrust out his chest, puffing himself up as big as he could get and told the Devil…..

“The price for me to do it is one soul – my own.  You must promise me that when I die you will not claim my soul.”

“Take away those dreaded crosses and it’s done.  I shall never lay claim your dark soul, no matter what.”

Keeping his end of the bargain, Jack removed the crosses and the Devil climbed down the apple tree and went to Hell, while Jack went to the pub to celebrate his big victory over the Lord of Darkness.

About 20 years later after a life of deceit and drunken debauchery Jack died and applied for a small apartment in Heaven.  At the Pearly Gates, St. Pete took one look at the old reprobate and said “Not a chance. No way! There’s no place for the likes of you in Heaven Jack.  Go to Hell!”

So Jack did.  He knocked on the door of the gates to the inferno and was met by Satan himself who demanded to know…

“What the Hell do you want Jack?”

“I’d like a little spot in Hell.  It doesn’t have to be very big.  Really, even a little closet will do.”

“We made a bargain Jack.  I promised that I would never claim your soul no matter what.  I’m keeping my end of the deal.  Get lost Jack!”

“Yes, it’s lost I’ll be,” said the miserable old sinner, "for now I’m stuck forever in the dark netherworld between Heaven and Hell and I can’t even see where I’m wandering.”

“I’ll do one thing for you Jack. Here….” said the Devil as he tossed him a flaming ember from the furnace of Hell. “That ember will glow forever and guide you on your endless walk between the gates of Heaven and Hell.”

Jack had a turnip with him, a plentiful and favored food in Ireland at the time.  It was a large turnip and Jack felt that it would make a good holder for his flaming ember which was too hot to hold in his hand.

Jack hollowed out the turnip and cut holes in the side.  When he placed the ember inside, the light from it shined through the holes and lit the way for him in his perpetual walk. 

The last thing new souls arriving at the Gates of Heaven and Hell saw before they were admitted to one place or the other was a mean spirited man carrying a brightly lit “Jack O’Lantern”.

And so it was that during the first great waves of immigration, the Irish brought the tradition of turnip carving to America – though once they got here and discovered pumpkins, they stopped using turnips because pumpkins were bigger and easier to carve. 

The End

Killer Catfish in Cape Cod?

Far from the tourist havens of Hyannis, Sandwich, Dennis and Yarmouth; deep in the interior of Cape Cod, there are extraordinary beaches that visitors to the 64 mile long island never see. They encircle the waters of a lake several miles distant from the popular oceanfront resorts clinging to the big sandbar - Cape Cod Bay on the one side and Nantucket Sound on the other. The vast tract of more than 900 acres of brackish water, rotting logs, and a billion insects is as far inland as it is possible to go.

Formed in 1938 when The Great Northeast Hurricane knocked down half the trees of the lower cape and gouged out a depression five miles long and one mile wide - it quickly filled with water. In some places it’s only as deep as a fisherman’s boot while in others it seems bottomless – though it’s probably about as deep as the Provincetown Pilgrim Memorial is tall – 252 feet.

Despite the murky water you can see deep enough, to gape at the submerged remains of row after row of trees clipped off near their bases by the force of the hurricane, and left to stand forever in the muck, like lonely corpses staring up at the surface with blind eyes.

There are no roads to get to the lake, which the locals call “Kaycee Pond”. Surrounded by thick pines, sharp vines, and dense brush, the only access to the vast, muddy swamp is by trudging through a quarter mile of living tunnel formed of weeds, twisted trees, hedges, and swamp grass. 

There are no homes circling the lake, no camps or campsites, and no RVs or vans. The land around “Kaycee Pond” is home to many thousands of creatures, but not a single one of them is human. 

At first glance the pond looks serene.  The brown water gently laps at the hundreds of exposed tree stumps and rotting logs that almost seem plentiful enough to form a footbridge from one end to the other.    

Fat frogs sit unmolested on soggy timber, snapping out their tongues at regular intervals to entrap buzzing flies who themselves got fat from sucking on the decaying matter that washes onto the beaches. Foxes, coyotes, deer, and other animals drink at the edge of the water, but only if they are very, very thirsty.  They know by instinct that the calmness of “Kaycee Pond” is merely a Halloween mask that can be whisked off in an instant.

Read the rest of the story for free...click the link: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/747189

Should Ellen be Fired from Television for Inappropriate Conduct?

If a man, while with his wife, is caught staring into the cleavage of another woman, at the very least he will be in deep trouble with his life partner.  He'll be lucky if all she does is pour water on him. 

It would be even worse if he had a television show.  People and various watchdog groups would be calling for him to  be fired.

So, should it be any different for Ellen DeGeneres?  In 2013 at the Grammy Awards she acted like a 13 year old boy, staring down at Katy Perry's chest.  She did it in front of her wife.   

From left to right, Ellen's Wife, Ellen, and the victim, Katy Perry.

Apparently she skated by and nobody noticed, but on October 25 on Katy Perry's birthday she sent out this photo and said to Katy, 

"Happy birthday, @KatyPerry! It’s time to bring out the big balloons!"

12:53 PM - Oct 25, 2017 .

DeGeneres is taking some flak for her inappropriate behavior but is trying to deflect it by saying she was making a joke!  Even if it's a joke it's low grade potty humor, and if a man did it there would be consequences.  

Should Ellen be removed from her program?  Should she be suspended?  Should her wife slap her silly?  

What do you think? 

Agile Giant Threatens Town at the End of Cape Cod

Agile Giant Threatens Town

at the End of Cape Cod

Source: Weekly Newspaper based in Provincetown, Massachusetts

It began on Commercial Street in Provincetown.  A huge Figure clad entirely in black, save for a yellow necktie, bounded over a picket fence and landed in front of a group of school children.  Looming menacingly over the frightened kids, it glared at them, growling savagely to reveal long white spikes of teeth.

Though it happened several times, the adults of the town did not get too concerned. It was after all, just a few weeks before Halloween.  Probably some teenager’s October prank, they thought.

But then Mary Costa saw it.  She was walking near town hall when from nowhere an impossibly tall and agile creature sprang over a nearby picket fence and landed upright some thirty feet beyond, directly in front of her.

She claimed that it was at least eight feet in height with long pointed ears and green, glowing eyes.  It growled gutturally at her and then disappeared in a flash by vaulting like an airplane over the fence from where it had come.

Soon reports began popping up all over town.  Charles Farley told the Provincetown Advocate that he had his rifle in hand when the thing accosted him.  Farley asserts that he put a bullet straight through the monster’s brain but it just laughed at him and disappeared in a flash. 

Another man told Provincetown Police that the Demon from the Dunes, all dressed in black except for a yellow necktie, sprang from the roof of a tavern and landed at his feet as he was walking home.  He said that he took a punch at the ’thing’ but it caught his fist and crushed his hand until the bones broke.

The radio networks and newspapers around the country picked up the story. By Halloween night, the whole nation was talking about the tiny land of Cape Cod and the Demon of the Dunes. 

The moon was full that night and the temperature was near 60 as young Louis Janard  got ready to take his little brother and sister out for Trick or Treat.  As soon as they left the house, the monster sprang at them.  Fourteen year old Louis turned tail and ran, leaving the children alone to face the beast.  But their brother soon returned.  He had not deserted them, but had gone in the house for a pot of boiling water which he hurled at the demon who bounded away screaming in pain and was never heard from again!

The dunes of Provincetown, a tiny Cape Cod village 64 miles by land, off the coast of Massachusetts

...

(Source: 1939 documents from The Provincetown Advocate and other publications. Adapted by Bill Russo)

New Rotary Phone is Partnered With Apple

An innovative rotary telephone poised to enter the market place in 2018 was unveiled on Cape Cod recently at the annual convention of the Massachusetts Dial Telephone Manufacturers’ Association.

A full report of the MDTMA meeting at the Swan River Convention Center in the village of Barnstaville Mills, is to be published in the upcoming issue of  “Number Please Monthly”, a semi-annual magazine for retired telephone operators.

Ed Bell, the publication’s chief editorial writer, said that Luke Bach, the president of the manufacturer’s group predicts that the rotary phone will soon replace all Android and iPhone devices.

“Mr. Bach, how can you say that a phone based on technology developed in the late 1800s can supplant today’s high speed wireless devices?”

“You didn't hear me correctly Mr. Bell, I didn't say we are going to replace them, I said we are going to supplement them.”

“How do you plan to do that?”

“It’s very simple.  Number one, instead of a complicated and quirky 'qwerty' keyboard with up to fifty different buttons, our rotary phone only has ten choices and yet each phone contains the entire alphabet plus all the numbers.  Number two, we are giving away an apple with every single unit.”

“Mr. Bach even if you are able to get people to buy these machines, will they be able to use them?

“As an editorial writer Mr. Bell you should know that rotary phones, or dial phones as some people call them, will work just fine with the digital technology of the 2000’s.  All of our offices and all of our members use their rotary phones every single day.  The phones work on a principal called pulse dialing.  It’s every bit as good, and even better than the wireless systems used by Android and Apple.  It’s more reliable and far less costly. Our motto is: "with a rotary phone and a quick dial, you’ll never have a call end up in a rubbish pile.”

“That seems to be a silly motto.  I don’t get it.”

“Think about it Mr. Bell.  With a rotary phone you won’t drop your calls because there are no lost calls with a dial phone. Plus it makes a cool sound when the dial moves.”

“One final question Mr. Bach.  You say your phones are going to be affordable.  How can this be if you’re giving away an iPhone with each one?”

“I didn’t say we're giving away an iPhone with our rotaryPhone.  I said we’re giving away an apple – and we are.  Every customer gets a dial phone and a free Mac.”

The full report of the MDTMA meeting will be in the next issue of “Number Please Monthly”, available by subscription only. 

DISCLOSURE: The writers and editors of this article do not have any stock in any firm manufacturing rotary telephones or any farm growing apples, or any high tech firm assembling “Apples”.  For information and a stock prospectus for rotaryTelephones, contact the author of this article through Cooper’s News Stand on Main Street in Barnstaville Mills, Cape Cod, USA – Box 13, zip code 105.7

Buiild Bridges, Not Walls

Hauntn' Taunton, The State Asylum: - Free Preview - No App and No Sign in

Taunton State Hospital for the Insane: an eerie New England campus of forty ornate 19th century buildings that have housed some of America’s most bizarre and dangerous criminals – murderous monsters who avoided the hangman’s rope only because they were judged to be lunatics. Sometimes punishment comes from a different source, as Poison Ivy (the Hug and Drug Killer) and "Cannabelle" who pickles human fingers and toes, are about to find out in Bill Russo’s take on ‘Hauntin’ Taunton – The State Asylum.

Preview the book for free on Amazon Kindle with no app required and no sign in................

https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B0762GV6KH&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_V33ZzbH4ZPQFY&tag=hubpages0db1-20&reshareId=5JX2F6M78T0BGVNV23WP&reshareChannel=system

Coming for Halloween, The Infamous "Hug and Drug" Killer and others

Based on the real Taunton State Hospital - the Insane Asylum that refuses to die, "Hauntin' Taunton - the State Asylum" takes the reader on a tour of the notorious institution that housed some of America's most inhuman murderers; horrid demons who were found innocent of their crimes due to their insanity.  Sometimes punishment comes from a different source, as Poison Ivy (the Hug and Drug Killer) and "Cannabelle" who pickles human fingers, are about to find out.............

COMING FOR HALLOWEEN 2017 

Hauntin' Taunton - The State Asylum

an E book on 

Amazon, Kindle, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords,

Kobo, Apple, iTunes, and all major online

retailers worldwide

How To Make a Tree From Words

For many years I earned a living from words, either by speaking them on the radio or writing them in newspapers in various New England communities.  

Frankly the job of a radio newswriter is often boring, You work up to eight hours writing and rewriting  the same handful of stories for your entire shift, from six a.m. to two p.m. for example. 

In smaller communities the day's big news might be something like "Selectmen Push for New Town Hall." The story might run every hour, and in some stations also on the half hour, for eight hours or more.  If the article isn't rewritten and refreshed for every newscast, two things will happen.  One, the writer/reader will get bored, and two, many listeners will either space out or tune out.

Variety is the key.  The writer needs to know how to make the item seem fresh each time it's re-written.  

The key to being able to write interesting variations on a single theme is to be able to pluck new words and phrases from your own personal word tree.

A word tree is similar to a thesaurus - a book of synonyms and related concepts, except that the words come from your memory and not a book or a Google search.  If you write a word on paper, or digitally, and then write down the branches of the word, you'll quite likely memorize the whole tree with very little effort.   

Here's one that I built from the word, Dialect:

Dialect - a speech pattern specific to a certain area such as a "Bawhstin" (Boston Accent); as in "I went to  Hahvud (Harvard) University and lived in Kenmoah (Kenmore) Squay-yah (Square).  I used to pahk (park) my cah (car) near Fenway Pahk (Park). 

I came up with about a dozen related words.  Here are some of them.

Lingo: Special set of words particular to an occupation or industry, as in, "I didn't understand the instructions because they contained a lot of computer lingo. It is also used to denote a foreign language -   as in it's tough to get around in Paris if you don't speak the lingo.  In some cases 'lingo' and 'dialect' are interchangeable. 

Jargon: This word too can often, but not always, be a substitute for dialect, but I think it's more closely related to Lingo.  For example, Mirriam-Webster says jargon is 'the specific terminology of a special activity or group.  The example citied by the dictionary was the jargon of baseball - such as two sports fans discussing terms like RBIs, OBP, five tool player, bad ball hitter, and such. 

There are variant meanings, but I think it's fair to say that 'Jargon' and 'Lingo' are more closely related to eachother than they are to 'Dialect'.

Patois:  this is a word you'll hardly ever see used, but it is a legitimate branch of the "Dialect Tree". You will not go wrong if you substitute the one for the other.  The word is pronounced 'pat-twa'. 

Regionalism: This word has several meanings, one of which is a word or phrase found only in a particular section of a nation. It can't automatically be used as a direct substitute for dialect, because it generally refers to a single word such as the following local takes on  a "Submarine Sandwich".

Hoagies - Philadelphia
Grinders - Boston
Wedgies - Providence, Rhode Island
Heroes - New York City
Torpedos - Los Angeles
Po' Boys- New Orleans

Vernacular: This noun is pretty much a carbon copy of "Dialect" and qualifies as a substitute in nearly every case.

Patter:  There's no chance to successfully substitute 'patter' for the other words we've hung on the Dialect Tree.  Patter refers to a spiel rattled off mechanically by television pitchmen, circus barkers, and high pressure salespeople.  Still, 'patter' deserves to be a branch on the tree, because it is, in a sense, the dialect of a group - even if the group is largely composed of 'con-men'.

Argot: The word does refer to the speech of a certain group of people, but it's more closer kin to 'patter' than 'dialect'. In patter, the speaker wants people to understand him, but with 'Argot', the person speaking is usually conversing with a confederate and employing a more or less secret 'jargon' generally only understood by a particular group.  Some people use Pig Latin as an argot and are able to speak it so rapidly that only others skilled in the fake lingo can understand them. 

In pig latin, the first letter of a word, is moved to the end of the word and coupled with 'ay'.  Example: 'Pig Latin' in Pig Latin is Ig-pay Atin-lay.  

The final word,  and I'm it using as a tree topper is 'Cant' and I do not mean can't, the contraction for can not.  'Cant' is pretentious, hypocritical, sanctimonius speech generally involving religion or politics. "If they'd stop canting about 'honest work' they might get somewhere".

I hope you enjoyed building this word tree with me and I hope we can do it again sometime.

Bill

The First 'Trick or Treat'

The first time 'Trick or Treat' was mentioned in print was ninety years ago, 1927, when an Alberta, Canada daily paper ran an article on the new fad.

How to lose 40 Pounds Fast! - Even after the age of 70!

Monday: Chopped down two small trees, shredded their stumps, ran a mile to Fernandes Bog, then walked a mile back home. Watered the plants in the yard, raked a bit and counted my blessings as I approach my 74th birthday.

Though I love to exercise, I didn't do any while I was losing the weight. Mostly because it was too difficult. After the weight loss,  exercise was both easy and enjoyable.

The picture shows me before and after a nearly 40 pound weight loss in just a few months - of course, I wrote an E-Book about it. https://www.amazon.com/Diet-Letters-Exercise-S…/…/B01GUSEPJM

The Great thing for me is that I've kept the weight off for three years.  I backslide a bit now and then and eat too much, but if I notice that I have to let my belt out a notch - I jump right back on the diet for a few weeks and quickly get back on track.

TRUMP 2020? - no! 2080 Yes!

Whether you love him or hate him, remember what Reader's Digest has been telling us for the last 97 years....

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Internet Newswriters don't know their Knows from Their Nose!

Okay guys, I know it's not your fault.  The American school system failed you, but  it's really important to try and get it right.  Here's part of a Nintendo story:

"When the company announced earlier this year it was pumping the breaks on the console..." 

********

WRONG! You can't pump BREAKS.
You can only pump BRAKES!

If I don't see an immediate improvement in the quality of the writing on the various newsfeeds I'm going to tell Trump to put a wall around the internet and make YOU pay for it. 

This is a break.....

but this isn't a break.....it's a brake!

Sorry for the rant. My job depended  on me knowing the difference  between things like breaks and brakes (Homophones) and I'm jealous of the internet writers who have no editors to answer to, and brake/break the rules of how to rite/write/right with know/no consequences! 

Seriously folks, you get your news/gnus from people who don't know/no their/they're knows from their nose!?

In the old days we read newspapers written by literates,

but today we read the internet written by ill-iterates!

49 Days to Halloween

Notes From the Cape on Nine Eleven

(September 11, 2017)

Nights are getting cold in Barnstable County,

there's a shiver-wind moving on through.

But the 'Giving Tree' laughs in the face of autumn

and delivers four blossoms of a beautiful hue.

Sorely needed today they were a gift from Heaven,

to ease our sadness, for this morning is Nine Eleven. 

Hibiscus Tree on our deck in Barnstable County, Cape Cod Massachusetts

I needed a sign at dawn today, for 9-11 I will never forget.
Of the photos I took just this bright morn, here's the best yet!
Look closely at the crimson flower to see the reason why -
the inspiration of new life and renewal from this hopper guy.

Photos by Bill Russo on lower Cape Cod on the morning of 9-11.  

The 'Giving Tree', a Hibiscus, produces saucer sized blossoms all summer long, every single morning - but each one lasts only a day.  No matter how brilliant its color, every flower dies at sunset.

At next the dawning, it brings forth another crop of brilliant buds. Like human life itself, one bloom dies, yet another comes to take its place. 

One up, one down.

The rhythm of life.

Speaking Algebra!

Many, many years ago in school my teacher asked me to say something in Algebra.

"Pie are round," I offered.

"No, NO, NO!," she protested. Pie are square!"

I never believed her until I saw this picture.  The old girl was right. 

Pie are square!

First Sharks, now Killer Catfish on Cape Cod?

New! Free Read! 5000 Word Short Story  https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/747189

This is not a Halloween story though you might find monsters in it, depending on what your definition of a monster is. Rather, it is the tale of two young men in search of an eerie pond they read about in a book - a strange lake said to be filled with man-eating catfish. Against the counsel of a wily old Cape Codder who claims there's no truth to the story, they venture into the wild, uninhabited area in hopes of collecting specimens to sell to a museum in Maine. You could go to that Museum (It really does exist) and see if there are any collections of Killer Catfish on display - or if you find it more convenient, you may read the story!

Here's the link: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/747189
Bill Russo, Sepember, 2017

The Weird Story of the First JackO' Lantern

As I write this it's September and Halloween is still about two months away, but to many of us, anytime is a good time for a tale about one of our favorite holidays.  With that in mind here's a folk story about the 

Origin of “Jack O’Lanterns.”

As of September 8, 2017

The tradition of cutting faces into pumpkins originated in America, probably around Boston or New York.  Actually the first carving was in Ireland, but it was a large turnip, not a pumpkin that was hollowed out, had a face cut into it, and was supplied with a candle to give it a scary glow.

According to the legend a mean, disorderly fellow, named Jack who lived in a shack in Dublin, loved to play tricks on unsuspecting people.  His foul antics affected everyone from his own family to the town’s upper class.

He took great delight in tripping old ladies, suspending wires across pathways to injure human and horse alike, and tying a thread around a gold piece that he tossed on the ground and then snatching it away from a person who spotted it and went to pick it up. 

Though a rogue and a no-good, mean Jack was very skilled in the art of doing bad things and always managed to escape harm from his foul tricks, even when he pulled one on the Devil himself!

By means of his extraordinary cunning he managed to convince Satan to climb up a full grown apple tree.  When the Lord of Hell was halfway up, nimble Jack tacked crosses all around the trunk of the tree.

“I can’t get down,” moaned the Devil. “I’ll suffer eternally if I even so much as brush across one of those terrible crosses. Take them away Jack,” begged old Satan.

“I might remove those crosses for you if you are in a bargaining mood.”

“Name your price you scallywag.”  

Jack smiled and thrust out his chest, puffing himself up as big as he could get and told the Devil…..

“The price for me to do it is merely one soul – my own.  You must promise me that when I die you will not claim my soul.”

“Take away those dreaded crosses and it’s done.  I shall never lay claim your dark soul, no matter what.”

Keeping his end of the bargain, Jack removed the crosses and the Devil climbed down the apple tree and went to Hell, while Jack went to the pub to celebrate his big victory over the Lord of Darkness.

About 20 years later after a life of deceit and drunken debauchery Jack died and applied for a small apartment in Heaven.  At the Pearly Gates, St. Pete took one look at the old reprobate and said “Not a chance. No way! There’s no place for the likes of you in Heaven Jack.  Go to Hell!”

So Jack did.  He knocked on the door of the gates to the inferno and was met by Satan himself who demanded to know…

“What the Hell do you want Jack?”

“I’d like a little spot in Hell.  It doesn’t have to be very big.  Really, even a little closet will do.”

“We made a bargain Jack.  I promised that I would never claim your soul no matter what.  I’m keeping my end of the deal.  Get lost Jack!”

“Yes, it’s lost I’ll be,” said the miserable old sinner, "for now I’m stuck forever in the dark netherworld between Heaven and Hell and I can’t even see where I’m wandering.”

“I’ll do one thing for you Jack. Here….” said the Devil as he tossed him a flaming ember from the furnace of Hell. “That ember will glow forever and guide you on your endless walk between the gates of Heaven and Hell.”

Jack had a turnip with him, a plentiful and favored food in Ireland at the time.  It was a large turnip and Jack felt that it would make a good holder for his flaming ember which was too hot to hold in his hand.

Jack hollowed out the turnip and cut holes in the side.  When he placed the ember in it, the light shined through the holes and lit the way for him in his perpetual walk. 

From that day forward, the last thing new souls arriving at the Gates of Heaven and Hell see before being admitted to one place or the other is mean spirited Jack carrying his brightly lit “Jack O’Lantern”.

And so it was that during the first great waves of immigration, the Irish brought the tradition of turnip carving to America – though once they got here and discovered pumpkins, they stopped using turnips because pumpkins were bigger and easier to carve. 

Happy Halloween