Selling a Haunted House

by Bill Russo

Author on Kindle, Smashwords, Apple, Barnes and Noble and others

Before we get started, I must disclose that I do not have a haunted house to sell.  Further, I am not an expert on ghosts, though I have written about them in the Ghosts of Cape Cod – and I have seen a paranormal creature, as recorded in the Bridgewater Triangle Documentary and written about in my book The Creature From the Bridgewater Triangle.

With that said, I have prepared a guide for you to sell your haunted dwelling.  If you don’t happen to have one at the moment, read the guide anyway, because you never know when haunts might decide to (dis)favor you with their presence.

Selling a haunted house can be dicey if the spirits take a mind to be unruly and noisy and perhaps even aggressive. Many home buyers want to have nothing to do with a spirit who might be prone to waking them in the middle of the night, rattling chains, and howling like a banshee. So let’s discuss ways to reduce the impact of spirit infestation and the manifestation of nocturnal disturbances and other supernatural occurrences.  

Good old fashioned Exorcism is one method of driving out a bothersome or even murderous spirit. Re-watch the Exorcist with young Linda Blair for a refresher course on this.

Be aware however that in this age of P.C. your actions could be deemed as discriminatory to ghosts and perhaps even prejudiced. This could lead to the spirit having the right to initiate legal proceedings against you. Another fact to consider is that although you may believe yourself to be the legal owner of the house, it may actually belong to the ghost! 

You may want to consider retaining a ‘medium’ to speak with the ghost and act on your behalf in negotiations.  If you cannot find a worthy ‘medium’ in your area, a Ouija Board will serve equally well, as long as you have a partner willing to risk putting his or her hands on that eerie little planchette that flies around the board, with seemingly no aid from the human hands touching it.

You also need to be aware that many ghosts come from diverse religious belief aggregations that would look doubtfully upon a priest from a Christian background and find it enormously odious. More importantly, it will not work if the spirit has no belief in the organization represented by the cleric. Further, if the ghost is an atheist, you may have to purchase a volume entitled “The Origin of Species” by Mr. C. Darwin, to get some ideas on how to enact the purification and extraction of the ghost.

As in all transactions, communication is the key.  You need to be ‘straight up’ with your ghost and have a heart to heart chat with him or her.  Keep in mind that some spirits are challenged.  They might not be able to manifest a working body and may only be able to rap on doors or windows.  In such cases you may be able to ask the spirit a question and get a reply in knocks.

If you are unable to understand the meaning of the knocks, get an old Boy Scout manual with lessons on Morse Code.  Study it carefully and then at midnight, try rapping on a door in the following manner.  Three quick knocks, followed by three raps with a hesitation between them, and finally three more quick taps.

If the spirit answers with the same sequence, it means that you have successfully transmitted the S.O.S. signal to the ghost and it has responded in kind.  Follow this up with further queries using your newly acquired telegraphy skills.  

If your ghost is accomplished enough to manifest a body and to have a working set of vocal chords, have a seance with the ghost and attempt to impress upon it the significance of not making a disturbance until the sale is completed.

If the spirit is resistant to all forms of communication you can't drive it out by Ouija talks, you'll have to resort to hoodwinking some unsuspecting city folks.  

If the house is very attractive and in a quaint little town with a low crime rate and a highly desirable name like Smallville, Happytown, or Sunnyland,  you can always find a wealthy family from a big city who are desperate to move to the country. 

Tell them they can have a dog, a couple chickens, a bee hive, a garden with flowers and vegetables, and even their own barbecue pit – they’ll be so enthused, they won’t even ask about ghosts, or a home inspection, or the fact that the roof is about to fall in.

Hurry.  Quickly get them to sign the papers, then take the money and run. 

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