If You're From Earth, You haven't Lived!

If You're From Earth, You haven't Lived!

by Bill Russo

So I spoke with God the other day.  I know.  I know.  Everybody speaks to God but this was different because he answered me.  I don’t know how it happened but it did.

I wrote down every single word so you’ll be able to see for yourself that this is no joke.  I woke up early in the morning, about 5:30 and that’s very unusual for me.  I’m retired.  I can, and usually do, sleep until the crack of ten or eleven!

One second I was in my bed wondering why I woke up at such an ungodly hour and the next I was in a large office standing in front of a massive desk, on top of which was a candle, an hourglass, some books and papers, and a smelly old pipe with smoke curling up from it.  

Behind it sat a well groomed elderly gentleman who looked just like me, but who appeared to be 20 or 30 years older than I am.

“Why are you so surprised to see me here?” he said in a voice that sounded just like Sam Elliot, the old gravel voiced guy who does the Coors commercials.

“First off, I don’t know where I am or how I got here and secondly why you look exactly like me.”

“I’ll explain how and why you’re here in a little bit.  As to my appearance, it should not surprise you, for I created you in my image.  I do not look like you my friend: you look like me.”

“You’re God,” I gasped as I began to understand that this was real and not some bizarre dream.

“One of them,” he said.  “I’m the Dad. My son’s in his office.  As for the Holy Ghost, good luck finding him.  He hardly ever shows up for work anymore.  If he can’t be setting off fires and creating volcanoes he wants no part of the business.  We’re supposed to run this as equal partners but I end up doing everything and it’s not easy.  I set up the earth in six days.  It’s said that I took the seventh day off.  That’s fake news!  On Sunday I was busy setting up another planet.  You people on earth have always thought you are my only creations.  You’re so self-centered.  I have millions of planets spread across as many universes.”

“Hello Lord, I’m Bill,” I blurted out, not knowing what else to say to the creator of the heavens and millions of earth-like worlds.

“I know who you are Bill.  I know everything.  But I’ll tell you the truth I’m getting a little old for this job.  That’s why I had a son.  I became a first time Dad at the age of ‘forever’.  I sent my first and only boy to Earth to help you people.  He did a great job but I admit there’s been some kind of a disconnect.  It wasn’t His fault.  He did his job.”

“Yes Father, if I may call you that, Jesus is loved by a great many people on Earth.”

“But there are many more who do not believe in him and then there’s a group that just sits around waiting for him to come back and clean up the mess that they have made.  He’s not coming back Bill.  We have other planets to take care of.  We’ve done the ‘immaculate conception’ thing hundreds of times since the first one with you guys.

“The workload is a little too heavy I guess,” I said.

“That’s not it. We’re God.  We’re capable of doing everything and anything but we’re trying to get you people to stand on your own. Hold on a minute, here comes Jesus now.  He can explain it to you.”

A tall bearded man walked into the office.  He looked exactly like Paul of Peter, Paul and Mary.

“Hello Bill, I’m Jesus.  I’ve heard you call my name many times and thanks for not taking it in vain.  I’ll be honest with you, I really do get ticked off when I hear people swearing and saying “God Damn it and For Christ’s sake!”.

“You’re welcome Jesus.  I know I’m not a very good Christian but I never was fond of hearing people use your name as a curse word.”

“That earns you a few ‘brownie’ points Bill.  Father,” he said to his Dad who was still sitting at his desk, “If you’ll excuse me now, I’ll take Bill into my office and fill him in on his situation.”

“Go ahead my Son,” said God the Father, “I have to locate the Holy Ghost and have a talk with him.  He must start spending more time in the office.  He’s used up all his vacation time and sick days.”

Jesus led me to his office, which was similar to his Dad’s except that it had a side-board complete with a spread of food and beverages much like what you get in the morning at a Holiday Inn.  There was a huge urn of coffee, a waffle making machine, an array of pastry, and trays heaped with eggs and piles of perfectly cooked, crispy bacon.

“You’ll have to excuse my Father.  He’s got a lot on his mind.  As bad as your planet is, there are others that are worse.  Some days he’s convinced that evil is winning out over good.  Grab yourself some food then sit down and we’ll have a chat.”

“But didn’t he create evil as well as good and can’t he just go ‘poof’ and wipe out all evil?”

“He can do anything he wants to, but he won’t do that.  In good time, I’ll tell you everything. The first thing I’m going to explain will shock you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Just this.  You have not yet been born.”

“Forgive me Jesus, I don’t get it.  I’ll be 77 years old in a few months and you say that I was never born.”

“I said you have not yet been born and it is true.  Yes; you were on earth for seven decades but that was not life.”

“I never lived?”

“Correct,” Jesus said.  “I explained all this 2000 years ago in Galilee but my Apostles never understood it.  They misquoted me.”

“That’s because you spoke in parables and they are easily misunderstood and are subject to different interpretations.”

Jesus shot a hard glance at me and I figured he was a little miffed at my critical analysis of his work, so I clammed up.

“Okay then,” he said, “No parables.  Plain English only Bill.  You have never lived.  You, and all of the other people on the planet have never lived; for life only begins when you die.”

“Please Lord,” I pleaded, “allow me to play that back.  You’re telling me that in order to be born I have to die?”

“Exactly Bill.  Life on earth can be likened to the development of a baby in the womb of its mother.  It remains in the womb but does not become a person until it is born.”

“So true life for people does not begin until we die and...”

“Then you are born,” he interrupted.  “I think you understand now that for a person, death is actually birth.  When people die they are born to eternal life here with me, my Father, and the Holy Ghost.”

“Holy bleep,” I exclaimed. “This is big news!”

“No it’s not Bill.  It’s what I preached on the shores of the Sea of Galilee 2000 years ago.  It’s nothing new and nothing different from what I have always said. Your earthly life is nothing more than an incubation process leading to your birth in heaven. I don’t see why this is so difficult for you.  Stephen Hawking was also very surprised when he got here and found out that he was about to be born.  He’s got a body like a young Arnold Swarzeneggar now and he’s running around like a teenager.”

“But Jesus, Stephen Hawking didn’t believe in you.”

“I know.  When he got here I said to him, ‘There are more things in heaven and earth Stephen than are dreamed of in your philosophy. 

He laughed and said, ‘who knew?’ I sent him on his way with his new body.”

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Bill Russo's books are featured on all major website outlets from Amazon and Apple, to Barnes & Noble and many, many others.  Bill has placed  more than two dozen of his books and short stories on Smashwords for FREE.  Several of them sold many copies before being made free.  

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He also produced 39 audio episodes of Short Story Theater, (available on all Podcast sites) featuring dramatized versions of his work.  Season one was completed at the end of April, 2020 and has attracted thousands of listeners.  Here's a link to one of the programs, Death on A Rope: https://www.spreaker.com/user/11578348/swamp-tales-joe-santini_2