The Puzzle of, 'Death by Unwanted Hair'

Death by Hair! It's real and it affects hundreds of people each year.  In this post, we'll examine this alarming topic and try to find causes and cures. 

But first, a question: Why do women and some men fight evolution?

Human beings are deep into an evolutionary process that has almost but not quite, transformed them from Ape and Ape-ettes, into smooth-skinned creatures that have little in common with their brutish ancestors. 

One step remains in the metamorphosis, but some people are rebelling against it. What is this final leap? 

It is the total elimination of hair, and the species is almost there!  Save for three focal points, the race has achieved a glabrescent state – nearly hairless.

The three foremost holdout areas are

     The armpits

     The genital area

     The top and back of the head

Hair removal from Sectors one and two is nearly universal among women in the U.S. and many other nations. It is achieved by employment of a razor or other device to give the user a state of ‘un-hirsuteness’. 

Sector three is troublesome.  Though a great many men have evolved into a complete tonsured state, women not only have failed to become bald, they actually promote the cultivation of hair in region three!

Scientific leaders fail to understand the conundrum of why so many females are desperate to rid themselves of pubic hair and under-armic pelts, while actively encouraging the growth of manes on tops and backs of their craniums.

When this blog interviewed Ms Ann Nominus, an expert on human glabrescence, she offered the following: 

“We need to get rid of all hair, not just to become more human, but because hair collects dirt.  This is an acute problem in the genital area.  As to the area beneath the arms, under-armic hair magnifies both the volume and the stench of perspiration.  Hair collects and traps the sweat and mixes it with a veritable salad of germs and bacteria.”

“Another major problem,” Ms Nominus continued, “is ‘Death by Ingrown Hair.”

She stopped speaking when your faithful blogger started laughing at her suggestion that people could die from hair and turned red and angry when I said, “You can’t be serious about people actually getting sick and expiring from hair?”

“It’s deadly serious business.  Over 50 people a year die from hair.  Nobody knows and nobody cares except for those of us in the Glabrescent Society.  We are trying to convince both men and women of the need to become bald sooner, rather than later.”

She put a recording device on the interview table where we sat opposite each-other.  Her shiny bald head bobbed up and down as she excitedly said, “Listen to this recording of one of my cases.  This is not an isolated case, it’s happening now, all across the world.”

She pushed the play button on the machine and sat back.

“My name is Norma Presson.  I am 35 years old and am a ten year survivor of hair.  This is my story.  I was a teacher, living and working on   Cape Cod a decade ago at the start of my tale.  Having the summer off, I spent every sunny day on the beach. I shaved my legs daily so that they’d look smooth and tanned for the Cape Cod day-life on the sand and during the lunches at the sidewalk tables on Main Street in Hyannis.

“As Labor Day neared, I prepared for my last few flings on the beach and in the bars before I had to become miss ‘prim and proper’ teacher again.  While getting ready to leave for First Encounter Beach I felt a sore spot on my left leg just below the back of the knee.

“I put some ‘anti-itch’ cream on it and didn’t think about it again until the next day, when once again as I was getting ready to go out, I felt the lump and it was much more inflamed, red, and sore than it had been the day before.

“They have a ‘doc in the box’ in Hyannis right near where my apartment was located, so I decided to have the painful, swollen thing looked at.  After a short wait, I was admitted to a treatment room where the ‘doc of the day’ came in and took a quick look.

She made her hasty examination and said, “You need to go to the hospital right away!”  Then she took a black marker and drew a circle around the swollen mound.  “Go right now.  I’m going to call ahead and have the infectious disease team waiting for you.”

“I didn’t know what the ‘big deal’ was, but she seemed so frightened that I became frightened and I did go straight away to the Hyannis Emergency Room.

“When I got there, they didn’t even ask for my insurance information. They put me on a gurney and instantly wheeled me into a treatment room where they started giving me antiboiotics and dripping something into me through intravenous tubes.

“What’s wrong with me Doc?”

“You have an ingrown hair from shaving your legs.  As innocent as that sounds, I have to warn you that it has become infected.  You now have a very serious strep infection. When was that black circle drawn on your leg?”

“They did it at the ‘Doc in the Box’, I mean the health care center, about 45 minutes ago,” I replied as my heart sank when I looked at the circle and noticed that the red area had more than tripled in size. “Am I going to be okay,” I wondered.

“If we are lucky you will survive.  If we are very lucky, I mean very, very lucky, we’ll be able to save your leg!

“To make the story short, I was lucky and very, very lucky.  I’m still alive and still have two legs after narrowly avoiding ‘death by shaving’.

The recording ended and I remarked to Ms Nominous that I had no idea that hair could cause potentially fatal problems.

“Few people do.  But the real problem is that there are cures for hair, but people are reluctant to use them.”

“What are the cures?” I asked.

“Shaving is usually safe and is the quickest and cheapest way to get temporarily get rid of hair,” she replied, “although it really should only be done under the supervision of a physician. Other methods for removal included waxing, electrolysis, and laser epilation.”  

Due to space considerations, this concludes the report on the evolution of the Homo Sapiens and the dangers of “Death by Hair”.

Miss Ann Nominus recommends that everyone reading this report should immediately find a way to get rid of all hair in each of the three sectors mentioned at the beginning. 

For people like me, who have already accomplished the cure for hair by a process called ‘getting old’; there are no worries.  For the rest of you – “Beware of the Hair”.